Hi 2017.

2016 ended with a heavy heart, I remember I actually cried myself to sleep. One second I felt blessed watching my baby boy sound asleep next to me, the next second I got all upset because I can’t give my child a completed family. He is one now, he doesn’t understand most things so it’s ok and really happy for him to stick with me each day. Every night he lies next to me and falls asleep in my embrace, and the next morning he would smile at me when he woke up seeing me lying next to him. It’s ok now. But what if one day he came home from school and got all upset asking me why daddy and mommy can’t stay together like his friend’s parents do.  How am I gonna cheer him up and tell him it’s ok that daddy and mommy are separated. Is it really ok? I don’t know how is my kid gonna take it one day and how much hurt would this bring to him, I just hope he would forgive me.

I had a bad sleep that night, because it bothered me and I felt like I hadn’t slept all night. So I didn’t have a good start of 2017 neither.

There is too much fear in me. The fact of me living a single mom’s life is depressing, depressed mostly because I am too worried my child will grow up unhappy because he has no daddy by him side. I am too scared to watch him grow up because he will start to learn and know things and he’s gonna ask what happened to his mom and dad. I am too scared to bring him out to friends’ gathering because everyone has his and her family and their kids have both daddy and mommy coming along, while my son can only watch them playing  and giggling away with their daddies and he has no daddy by his side.

I am jobless so I am financially unstable. I wish to get a job ASAP but it’s just too hard. A friend whom I thought was friend and would help doesn’t seem like he is happy to help. So yeah, the so called friend is always just full of talking, when I really need help, the friend is no where to be found. But I could blame no one, cos nobody has the responsibility to help and get me a job. So I have to try harder, keep sending resume and keep practicing all the interview questions when I have time, basically I am on seek.com 24/7 and send as many resumes as I could each day. I appreciate my sister and her friends who constantly help to ask around and introduce me to their friends. So far there isn’t any who is interested to employ me but at least I see the heart of helping. Thanks and million thanks.

2017, I don’t know if it’s gonna be a good year, but a friend told me, it will be if I want it to be. So I believe, 2017, I am gonna make a huge change in my life, and there’s gonna be a huge leap in my career and everything!! Have faith in myself, fighting!!

Advertisements

If I could turn back time, I wouldn’t had made the decision of returning to this despicable place living such a saddened life now. 

Women are the dumbest living thing on earth. I don’t mean all, but there are women like me, who is too afraid to make a change in life but stick to the same old one thinking things would get better one day. Never. This is how foolish I was, regretted? Yes! But it is myself to blame. What can I do now? Divorced? Yes if I had the guts! I couldn’t even leave this useless man when I found out he cheated on me. Now to file a divorce? I gotta be kidding! 

Life is unfair, I don’t get it why I deserve such a life. Life was wonderful back where I lived, I came to this here for this despicable man thinking he would change for the sake of me giving up everything for him. Naive, yes, VERY! 

I have no more faith and trust in this man, I’m like living a life of a widow, and the son is like ain’t no having a dad. The trust that I was holding on so tightly, he broke it. The love that I gave in so unconditionally, he destroyed it. Now what, hatred, despised, more hate and hate. Is this how a marriage life should be? If anyone could give me the guts to breakup, gimme the guts to tell the truth to my parents without caring how terrible and heartbreaking they would feel, gimme the guts to leave this man and tell the son he has no dad.

I’m sick of living such a disguised life where everyone else thinks it’s my happily ever after! I’m sick of pretending I have a husband who loves me and a father who loves my child. He loves his ciggies, his friends, his money, his bloody DJ set and his social medias. Spending time with his son, that would kill him. Spending time with his wife, that would kill him twice. But I’m too timid to stand out, to voice out. If I were brave enough for this, I wouldn’t live a life like this. I would have already broken up with this man long ago and live a much happier life now. 

If it wasn’t for his parents, who rang and asked/begged/nagged me to return to this place with him.. If it wasn’t for the bloody dumbness believing that he would change.. If I could have told anyone about my situation, it I could have cared less how people think about me… Why do I care how people think? Why? Look at the screwed life im living now. I had a good job, I quited. I lived a happy life over there, I left. I had a dream to pursue, I stopped. I did everything but ended up having someone who doesn’t even care about me, or even the son.

Whoever in the complicated relationship, ask yourself if this is the life that you want. Nope, then leave! I wish I had done it, but it’s too late. Now, how do I tell my son that he’s from a broken family when he’s older? I don’t know. I have too many concerns, so forever I will be living a life like this. I’m 28, how pathetic my life already is.

One lucky thing is I get to have the cutest son on earth, he means the world to me.