Happy Mother’s Day to me. 

I love my son, more anything. If I could turn back time, I wish I hadn’t married his dad, but if I ever got married with my ideal man, I want my son to be our son. Same face, same smile, same laughter, the same one. I know I sound ridiculous, but I still can’t accept the fact that I married such a man who made me regret big time.

There’s a hundred thoughts gushing in my head today. There’s a hundred if I didn’t this and if I didn’t that flashing through my mind.. If I didn’t come back for him, maybe I’m living a way better life with my dream man. He’s never my ideal man, never. That moment when we were gonna breakup years ago, I chose to stay. I don’t know. I was too timid to do anything, too timid to have a change in my life. Too timid to tell my parents no, he’s not man after a 7 years relationship. Too timid to yell his parents sorry I can’t marry your son I can’t give up everything that I have built up in Aus I have to be selfish. Too timid to be single again because I’m scared I will be forever alone. This is human, I had always wanted a breakup because I though we didn’t click anymore. But when it was time to say goodbye, I thought he was my everything. Losing him was like the end of the world, because I have to start everything all over again and I was too timid to do it all by myself.

If I had a chance, if there was a time machine, I would choose to leave this guy and live a much happier single life. 

I hate this life. I hate everything here, my son is the only reason why I smile, I swear I will give him the best, I swear I am gonna bring him back to Aus and live a life which we called LIFE. 

If I could turn back time, I wouldn’t had made the decision of returning to this despicable place living such a saddened life now. 

Women are the dumbest living thing on earth. I don’t mean all, but there are women like me, who is too afraid to make a change in life but stick to the same old one thinking things would get better one day. Never. This is how foolish I was, regretted? Yes! But it is myself to blame. What can I do now? Divorced? Yes if I had the guts! I couldn’t even leave this useless man when I found out he cheated on me. Now to file a divorce? I gotta be kidding! 

Life is unfair, I don’t get it why I deserve such a life. Life was wonderful back where I lived, I came to this here for this despicable man thinking he would change for the sake of me giving up everything for him. Naive, yes, VERY! 

I have no more faith and trust in this man, I’m like living a life of a widow, and the son is like ain’t no having a dad. The trust that I was holding on so tightly, he broke it. The love that I gave in so unconditionally, he destroyed it. Now what, hatred, despised, more hate and hate. Is this how a marriage life should be? If anyone could give me the guts to breakup, gimme the guts to tell the truth to my parents without caring how terrible and heartbreaking they would feel, gimme the guts to leave this man and tell the son he has no dad.

I’m sick of living such a disguised life where everyone else thinks it’s my happily ever after! I’m sick of pretending I have a husband who loves me and a father who loves my child. He loves his ciggies, his friends, his money, his bloody DJ set and his social medias. Spending time with his son, that would kill him. Spending time with his wife, that would kill him twice. But I’m too timid to stand out, to voice out. If I were brave enough for this, I wouldn’t live a life like this. I would have already broken up with this man long ago and live a much happier life now. 

If it wasn’t for his parents, who rang and asked/begged/nagged me to return to this place with him.. If it wasn’t for the bloody dumbness believing that he would change.. If I could have told anyone about my situation, it I could have cared less how people think about me… Why do I care how people think? Why? Look at the screwed life im living now. I had a good job, I quited. I lived a happy life over there, I left. I had a dream to pursue, I stopped. I did everything but ended up having someone who doesn’t even care about me, or even the son.

Whoever in the complicated relationship, ask yourself if this is the life that you want. Nope, then leave! I wish I had done it, but it’s too late. Now, how do I tell my son that he’s from a broken family when he’s older? I don’t know. I have too many concerns, so forever I will be living a life like this. I’m 28, how pathetic my life already is.

One lucky thing is I get to have the cutest son on earth, he means the world to me.