Sunday.

Life’s been good, I mean, at least no more tears and heartbreaks. Being single again is wonderful, who cares if I am a single mom. I live a happy life with my son now.

Things are slowly getting in place. Though I still haven’t found my permanent job, I got a two weeks backfilling position at Cooper Vision and tomorrow will be my last day. I have pretty good experience there, and even it’s only two weeks, I am gonna miss it there, the people, and the workplace.

Job hunting is a pain, but this backfilling job is like giving me a little boost to be more positive. Two weeks is better than nothing, and it really made up my day when the manager told me she was gonna take me in after the interview. Thanks my sister for doing all this for me, the heart of helping and asking around if there’s any Accounts job for me, and then led me to this position. Thank you Lord for having all the good people around me. Belinda rang and asked me to send my resume to one of her friends where her company is hiring, Li texted and said her company might have a position available soon if the accounts lady left for another job and she will keep me posted the second they advertised the job. I know there is no guarantee, but one sure thing is they are the true sister and true friends. I thank you them for staying and lending me the helping hand when I am at my hardest time.

Life is unfair, I never thought it is. But God is fair. All that I have been through, I know it was easy and people especially my mom thinks I don’t deserve all these. The last two years were my nightmares, but at least I am so much happier now despite I am jobless and financially unstable. It made me stronger and tougher despite I still get upset at times feeling sorry to my son. All I could give is my unconditional love and I will raise him up as the happiest kid with the kindest heart – I hope. So God is fair, He makes me a stronger person today, so I have the courage and confident to move on my life now to give the best to my kid.

Speaking of my son, he starts to understand what we say now and learn to speak in a single word. He would pat on me when I was checking on the phone or sometimes even took my phone away. He just wants the attention! Lol. He would say no to the thing/food/and even people he doesn’t like, sometimes he would hand over the food to me after he tried it and tell me ‘NO NO’ shaking his head. He throws his tantrums when he’s tired and sleepy, yelling wailing sometimes even crying rolling on the floor. He is just cute whatever he does, lol.

It’s been raining for the whole day, my heart is feeling pretty free today. At one stage I couldn’t handle rainy days, because it made me felt all upset and depressed and made my heart sore so badly. I am feeling fine tonight, I think I am over it.

Lord, please lead me the way. I need your strength, I need the courage to move on. Be the light on my path and guide me through it. Amen!

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Hi 2017.

2016 ended with a heavy heart, I remember I actually cried myself to sleep. One second I felt blessed watching my baby boy sound asleep next to me, the next second I got all upset because I can’t give my child a completed family. He is one now, he doesn’t understand most things so it’s ok and really happy for him to stick with me each day. Every night he lies next to me and falls asleep in my embrace, and the next morning he would smile at me when he woke up seeing me lying next to him. It’s ok now. But what if one day he came home from school and got all upset asking me why daddy and mommy can’t stay together like his friend’s parents do.  How am I gonna cheer him up and tell him it’s ok that daddy and mommy are separated. Is it really ok? I don’t know how is my kid gonna take it one day and how much hurt would this bring to him, I just hope he would forgive me.

I had a bad sleep that night, because it bothered me and I felt like I hadn’t slept all night. So I didn’t have a good start of 2017 neither.

There is too much fear in me. The fact of me living a single mom’s life is depressing, depressed mostly because I am too worried my child will grow up unhappy because he has no daddy by him side. I am too scared to watch him grow up because he will start to learn and know things and he’s gonna ask what happened to his mom and dad. I am too scared to bring him out to friends’ gathering because everyone has his and her family and their kids have both daddy and mommy coming along, while my son can only watch them playing  and giggling away with their daddies and he has no daddy by his side.

I am jobless so I am financially unstable. I wish to get a job ASAP but it’s just too hard. A friend whom I thought was friend and would help doesn’t seem like he is happy to help. So yeah, the so called friend is always just full of talking, when I really need help, the friend is no where to be found. But I could blame no one, cos nobody has the responsibility to help and get me a job. So I have to try harder, keep sending resume and keep practicing all the interview questions when I have time, basically I am on seek.com 24/7 and send as many resumes as I could each day. I appreciate my sister and her friends who constantly help to ask around and introduce me to their friends. So far there isn’t any who is interested to employ me but at least I see the heart of helping. Thanks and million thanks.

2017, I don’t know if it’s gonna be a good year, but a friend told me, it will be if I want it to be. So I believe, 2017, I am gonna make a huge change in my life, and there’s gonna be a huge leap in my career and everything!! Have faith in myself, fighting!!

Happy Mother’s Day to me. 

I love my son, more anything. If I could turn back time, I wish I hadn’t married his dad, but if I ever got married with my ideal man, I want my son to be our son. Same face, same smile, same laughter, the same one. I know I sound ridiculous, but I still can’t accept the fact that I married such a man who made me regret big time.

There’s a hundred thoughts gushing in my head today. There’s a hundred if I didn’t this and if I didn’t that flashing through my mind.. If I didn’t come back for him, maybe I’m living a way better life with my dream man. He’s never my ideal man, never. That moment when we were gonna breakup years ago, I chose to stay. I don’t know. I was too timid to do anything, too timid to have a change in my life. Too timid to tell my parents no, he’s not man after a 7 years relationship. Too timid to yell his parents sorry I can’t marry your son I can’t give up everything that I have built up in Aus I have to be selfish. Too timid to be single again because I’m scared I will be forever alone. This is human, I had always wanted a breakup because I though we didn’t click anymore. But when it was time to say goodbye, I thought he was my everything. Losing him was like the end of the world, because I have to start everything all over again and I was too timid to do it all by myself.

If I had a chance, if there was a time machine, I would choose to leave this guy and live a much happier single life. 

I hate this life. I hate everything here, my son is the only reason why I smile, I swear I will give him the best, I swear I am gonna bring him back to Aus and live a life which we called LIFE. 

If I could turn back time, I wouldn’t had made the decision of returning to this despicable place living such a saddened life now. 

Women are the dumbest living thing on earth. I don’t mean all, but there are women like me, who is too afraid to make a change in life but stick to the same old one thinking things would get better one day. Never. This is how foolish I was, regretted? Yes! But it is myself to blame. What can I do now? Divorced? Yes if I had the guts! I couldn’t even leave this useless man when I found out he cheated on me. Now to file a divorce? I gotta be kidding! 

Life is unfair, I don’t get it why I deserve such a life. Life was wonderful back where I lived, I came to this here for this despicable man thinking he would change for the sake of me giving up everything for him. Naive, yes, VERY! 

I have no more faith and trust in this man, I’m like living a life of a widow, and the son is like ain’t no having a dad. The trust that I was holding on so tightly, he broke it. The love that I gave in so unconditionally, he destroyed it. Now what, hatred, despised, more hate and hate. Is this how a marriage life should be? If anyone could give me the guts to breakup, gimme the guts to tell the truth to my parents without caring how terrible and heartbreaking they would feel, gimme the guts to leave this man and tell the son he has no dad.

I’m sick of living such a disguised life where everyone else thinks it’s my happily ever after! I’m sick of pretending I have a husband who loves me and a father who loves my child. He loves his ciggies, his friends, his money, his bloody DJ set and his social medias. Spending time with his son, that would kill him. Spending time with his wife, that would kill him twice. But I’m too timid to stand out, to voice out. If I were brave enough for this, I wouldn’t live a life like this. I would have already broken up with this man long ago and live a much happier life now. 

If it wasn’t for his parents, who rang and asked/begged/nagged me to return to this place with him.. If it wasn’t for the bloody dumbness believing that he would change.. If I could have told anyone about my situation, it I could have cared less how people think about me… Why do I care how people think? Why? Look at the screwed life im living now. I had a good job, I quited. I lived a happy life over there, I left. I had a dream to pursue, I stopped. I did everything but ended up having someone who doesn’t even care about me, or even the son.

Whoever in the complicated relationship, ask yourself if this is the life that you want. Nope, then leave! I wish I had done it, but it’s too late. Now, how do I tell my son that he’s from a broken family when he’s older? I don’t know. I have too many concerns, so forever I will be living a life like this. I’m 28, how pathetic my life already is.

One lucky thing is I get to have the cutest son on earth, he means the world to me.